©️ By Sophie Lewis | @sophielewiseditorial

It started like any normal Thursday. I made Tea, opened the news app, and told myself, “Today I’ll be informed. I’ll act like a functioning adult and read the headlines like they make sense.”

Big mistake!

9:01am — The first headline slapped me straight in the consciousness: “UK Government Pledges to Tackle Homelessness by 2037”. Bold of them to assume we’ll have a government, or homes by then.

9:06am — I click a piece on “Economic Recovery.” Palantir’s rising, Bitcoin’s bouncing, and gold’s shining. Translation: the rich are panic-buying survival tools and the rest of us are arguing about oat milk prices.

9:12am — Celebrity news. “Kim Kardashian’s New Skincare Line Sparks Debate.” I spiral for three minutes wondering how many dimensions we’ve fallen through to get here.

9:15am — Politics. Labour and Tory are in a slap-fight over… what exactly? Who gets to pretend they care about nurses today?

9:19am — An article about AI “replacing creativity.” I blackout momentarily and wake up writing this piece instead.

9:28am — Mental health tip: limit screen time. Followed by six autoplay videos of the world ending and a pop-up ad for antidepressants.

9:32am — I decide to scroll Reddit. Mistake. Someone’s claiming the moon landing was filmed on the set of Love Island.

9:40am — Back to the news. “War tensions rising.” “Extreme heat warning.” “Youth crime spike.” “X celebrity’s dog has an Instagram now.”

9:46am — Existential dread hits. I consider buying chickens and moving to a remote hill in Ceredigion.

9:50am — I throw my phone. Miss. It lands on an open tab titled “How to Escape the Matrix”. 😉

Conclusion

Reading the news like a normal person is impossible. It’s like trying to sip a cup of tea in a tornado. The headlines contradict themselves, the narratives are tailored to either sedate you or inflame you, and the truth is buried somewhere beneath the algorithm’s latest dopamine trap.

So if you’re reading this, congrats. You’re probably not normal. And honestly? That’s your best chance at staying sane.

Sophie out 🫡