©️ By Sophie Lewis | @sophielewiseditorial

Politics is a language of its own. A carefully curated soup of buzzwords, vague reassurances, and moral posturing. But here at Sophie Editorial, I speak fluent Bullshitese and I’m here to translate.

Let’s break down the most common phrases your friendly local MP, prime minister, or elected spokestool might say… and what they actually mean when the cameras are off and the donors are on speed dial.

1. “We take this very seriously.”
Translation: We ignored it until it trended.

Whether it’s a scandal, a crisis, or an entire warzone in meltdown, this phrase is the PR equivalent of a deep sigh and a Post-it note. Nothing will change, but rest assured, they now look concerned.

2. “We’re conducting a full and thorough investigation.”
Translation: We’re waiting for you to forget.

This is code for a slow-moving committee of well-paid people drafting a 600-page report that says, “mistakes were made” but names no one. Expect a quiet Friday release and zero accountability.

3. “We must balance freedom with security.”
Translation: Say goodbye to another one of your rights.

Usually rolled out before passing some dystopian new surveillance bill or cracking down on protestors. You’re still free, just… not too free.

4. “We’re listening.”
Translation: We heard the noise. We’re muting it now.

Ah, the illusion of democracy. This phrase is brought out when they’ve already decided, but want to look open-minded. It’s like nodding while someone tells you they don’t want pineapple on pizza… right before serving them a Hawaiian.

5. “This is a complex issue.”
Translation: We have no intention of fixing it.

Translation part two: “We could fix it, but our donors would be upset.” Whether it’s housing, climate, or NHS cuts, the more they say “complex,” the more it means “intentionally broken.”

6. “The system works.”
Translation: It works for us.

You’re broke, your rent’s doubled, and your GP appointment is in 2029. But don’t worry, a hedge fund manager just bought another yacht and your MP got a pay rise. The system works.

7. “We need to have a national conversation.”
Translation: We’re about to gaslight you for months.

Instead of action, they offer “dialogue.” Panels, debates, polls. All smoke. All mirrors. You’ll talk. They’ll spin. Nothing changes.

8. “We’re focused on delivering for hardworking families.”
Translation: We’re ignoring anyone not in a photo-op.

This line gets wheeled out when they’re cutting services, pushing austerity, or dodging questions about corruption. If you’re poor, disabled, childless, or a renter, best of luck.

9. “This government will not tolerate [X].”
Translation: We’ve been tolerating it just fine until the press found out.

Pick your crisis: child poverty, sewage, corruption, dodgy PPE contracts. They only grow a backbone when the headlines do.

10. “Let me be absolutely clear.”
Translation: I’m about to say something extremely vague.

This one’s a classic. Often followed by meaningless waffle that contradicts itself three times and ends with a soundbite designed by committee.

BONUS ROUND:

“We’re building back better.”
Translation: We’ve rebranded the mess.

They’re not fixing it. They’re not sorry. But they’ve got a shiny new slogan and a backdrop with flags. It’s still Shit, just with better lighting.

The Takeaway (Preferably Pizza…)

They’ll never say it outright, so we will: most of what they say is narrative management. When politicians speak, they’re not telling you the truth. They’re telling you what they need you to hear so they can keep doing what they were always going to do.

But hey, at least now… you’ve got a translator.